Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) -
Time to get the pole out of the crawl space. Festivus is back, baby!
This weekend, thousands across the country (myself included) will celebrate the Seinfeld-inspired holiday with friends and family, hoping to experience yet another Festivus miracle.
If you know anything at all about Festivus, you'll know that the holiday isn't over until after the feats of strength. But before we get to that, I have a few things I want to get off my chest first.
That's right. It's time for the fantasy airing of grievances. I have a lot of problems with you people, and now you're going to hear about it.
Bears defense: At the beginning of the year, you guys were the best. The 28 points you racked up against Jacksonville in Week 5? Incredible. Five interceptions against Tony Romo on Monday Night Football? Amazing.
But then you got sloppy. You gave up 32 points to the Niners in Week 11 and then you let 5-foot nothing Russell Wilson run all over you two weeks later. I know Tim Jennings and Brian Urlacher are hurt, but that doesn't give you an excuse to slack off. Come on guys, get it together.
Mason Crosby: I had faith in you, Mason. Even after you botched two kicks against Indianapolis in Week 5, I stood by you.
But then the misses began to pile up. Another miss against St. Louis in Week 7, another one in Week 8. Two more against the Lions in Week 11. I was starting to lose my trust.
And then against Chicago last week you decided to hit the crossbar and give me negative points? What kind of Festivus gift is that? That was the playoffs, Mason! Have fun missing field goals for someone else next season. We're through.
Joe Flacco: I was hoping we could have a good year together, Joe. In fact, I wanted you on my team so badly, I was willing to trade away one of my best running backs (BenJarvus Green-Ellis) just to get you.
I wasn't expecting 300 yards every week, but come on. Two interceptions and 147 yards against Houston? No touchdowns and a pick against Kansas City? Even against Cleveland you only got me 13 fantasy points. You call yourself an elite quarterback? Well, I've got news for you. You're far from it, Joe.
Josh Freeman: I'll admit it, Josh. You did some great things for me this season. That game you had against Kansas City (328 yards, three touchdowns) was brilliant, and I'll never forget that touchdown you scored in overtime to beat the Panthers.
But then you sabotaged my season with four picks and a fumble last week against the Saints. How am I supposed to trust you after something like that? You disappoint me, Josh.
Maurice Jones-Drew: I felt like you were a steal when I took you with the fifth pick of the second round. Now, I feel like you were the one stealing from me.
Sure, Maurice, take your time resting that ankle. 'I'll be back next week,' you kept insisting. But you never came back, did you? Thanks for nothing, MoJo. I hope you get coal in your stocking.
Adrian Peterson: Adrian, I know you were upset I picked Darren McFadden in the third round instead of you, but can't you just let it go already? In the three times I played against you this season, you averaged 160.7 rushing yards per game with three touchdowns. Is that even legal?
Everybody makes mistakes. I promise, I'll pick you first next year, Adrian. Really, I will. Just go easy on me from now on. I'm begging you.
Sidney Rice: I get it. You were upset I started Marques Colston instead of you.
But did you really have to make such a big scene about it by scoring twice against the Jets? And then when I finally gave you a chance a week later, the best you could give me was 49 yards against the Dolphins? The Dolphins are 26th in the NFL in pass defense, Sidney. Throw me a bone here. I just don't get you sometimes.
Jason Witten: I bet you thought you were out of my doghouse by now, didn't you, Jason?
Nope, you're still in.
Don't think I forgot about what you did to me in Week 1 when I started you over Tony Gonzalez (two catches, 10 yards compared to 53 yards and a touchdown for Gonzalez). And what about when you decided to put up 167 yards the week I benched you against the Giants? A fantasy owner doesn't forget these kinds of things, Jason.
Well, that seems like enough grieving for one year. To everyone celebrating this weekend, have a Happy Festivus ... for the rest of us!